god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
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