Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
You were running around waving the flier in everyone's face and thats how we ended up in a church eating free breakfast tacos at 3 am
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
