You just made me feel so damn special
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
i was ready to conquer the fucking world. i would have fought vin deisel to the death without hesitation
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