when i got home i made myself toast with butter & put pasta on it. I know this cause it's all over my bed.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
