i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
I asked her if she had any t-shirts of bands that didn't suck. I got a Sublime shirt and my answer.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
