the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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