I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
