if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I think I have vodka in my lungs
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
