You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter
yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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