This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Randomize
