Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Randomize
