Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
