Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
After this weekend my vagina will follow his penis anywhere. It’s like the pied piper, but with penis
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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