Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
