I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
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