Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Pencil dick carries the name proudly.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
