Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
Randomize
