he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
I support your vibrator fueled lifestyle.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
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