You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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