How was dinner with ur grandparents?
I was really blazed and scared they'd catch me, so when they asked about my day I was concentrating really hard on not saying smoking that instead I honestly said "Well, I had sex on your pool table, Nana."
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
Sailor Jerry came over for the evening. It was a magical evening. I didn't even get puke in the house.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
