just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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