My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Dude, Donte totally wants it. I don't have any idea how I do it. I'm not even cool. I'm not even the hero Gotham deserves. I'm barely high. My hands are swelling. Want me to pick you up anything from five guys?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
I mixed Jack with hot chocolate. This may be the best or worst idea ever. I have yet to find that out
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Randomize
