Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
