One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
Randomize
