I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
So someone put the baby mannequins in sex positions
i can't believe i had my finger in that
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
People were drinking out of 26ers with straws, and somewhere someone yelled "fill me with dicks!" I'm home.
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
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