i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
