when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
Randomize
