i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
Randomize
