True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
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