Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
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