i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
So gin and wine won't be happening again
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
You pole danced in your parka.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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