I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
