she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I queefed so loud it echoed.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
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