if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
