So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
