Girls should come with a carfax report
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
