Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
