Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
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