and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
Why is your signature on my underwear?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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