six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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