i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
