goodnight i made you a song goodbye
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
