I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
