he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
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