My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
