I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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