i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
