Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
Let's paint friendship bongs
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
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