worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
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