well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
