someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
Randomize
